Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Sometimes being a mommy sucks :-(

This school issue just keeps picking up steam. Izzy asked when Fall comes because that is when she is going to school. Then she told me that she was going to go potty and buy brand-new school underwear with Wendy. Wendy offered up the shopping excursion as potty training incentive but Izzy added the 'for school' part.

Yesterday, to get my bearings, I started fielding some general school questions to some local friends. Two of whom actually volunteer with the jk/sk kids. I wanted to know what time school began and what they do during for those 2 hours and 45 minutes. I asked about teachers and class sizes. I think I was given some pretty reasonable answers. While I am the only homeschooler around, I've encountered nothing but respect from the fellow parents and was given what feels like a pretty balanced view of what life might be like with a kindergartener. Some things I was happy to hear about, other things I'd have to learn to live with. All in all, my impression is that Izzy would probably love it. So, for a little while I was happy and excited for her.

Which leads us to the decision to let her have a go at it. Rob and I have always done things according to our collective gut. Always thoroughly researched and debated to death, but in the end we go with what feels most right. It has yet to steer us wrong. We are both of the mutual sentiment is that this will be good for her and we will support it as long as it works.

Still, later last night it hit me hard. The thought that I have just 6 months left where she is mine and mine alone breaks my heart. More than a few tears were shed. I don't want her to go. I feel bad for hoping that it won't work out and she'll want to homeschool again someday. I will support her. I will pretend I am excited for her. We'll do the kindy prep stuff and hope for the best. Alex and I aren't going anywhere so she will always have options.

It is just so sad to see her so grown up. I blinked and she went from a kid who spoke without using the s sound at the beginning of words to articulating her needs to me. Yesterday I overheard her telling Alex that she wasn't going to do ballet next year. I asked why and she said that she liked ballet but gymnastics was better. She would choose gymnastics instead of ballet if she couldn't do both. I nearly fell out of my seat. She had taken our talk the previous day to heart. The one where Rob and I explained that she'd have to give up some homeschool activities if she was at school. I should have told her that she still would be doing some activities, like music, swimming, dance or gymnastics.

Even though I've seen first-hand how uneven and abrupt new skills and maturation spurts happen with children, I still am surprised by the changes. Recently Alex has been taking more steps towards independence and responsibilities and I've been a mixture of proud and sad. Now Izzy is taking giant leaps forward and I feel unprepared. She is so much like me, independent and strong willed. I am a big believer in not forcing children into situations before they are ready. Not that long ago she was so clingy and shy that she rarely left my arms and refused to look at other people. I never pushed. I waited and told everyone that I had faith in her ability to come out of that shell when she was good and ready. Well, out she came and now she has the audacity to want to forge her own way out in the world without me.

I am so proud, really. Now if I could only stop crying.

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