Blabbering On

I was thinking over my last post and how it was too hard to articulate what is going on in my head sometimes. I think it boils down to mother-daughter relationships and how strange and awesome it is to see how my role with Izzy evolves.

I didn't have a good relationship with my mother. Lets just say that there were many generations of females on that side of the family who just plain sucked at being mothers, sisters, daughters...

When I found out I was expecting a girl the second time around it kind of threw me for a loop. The first few years of her life are pretty typical of life with a young child. Nothing particularly noteworthy. Now she has blossomed into a little girl and looks to me as her model of what a woman is. Yikes.

So there are times when she mimics me or when she looks up to me when I am surprised and wonder a little what to do next. We are very, very close and I love that. It is a new world for me. I pined for a good mother-daughter relationship. Coveted those that belongs to my friends. It is amazing, surprising and weird to be part of one now. It makes me just want to stick her in a bubble and keep life as perfect as I can for her.

So yesterday, when we were at the hospital and I let my mind wander into the far off future I think I was a little shocked to think I could be a big part of it. To think she may want or need me around! There is a ton of history I just don't post about but it obviously clouds my thoughts. There are so many of us without mothers - either lost through death or by being emotionally and mentally incapable of parenting.

Gah...I am getting all emotional now. You know, I never think twice about how much I love and adore my son. Stupid childhood baggage! I wonder if I will ever stop being surprised at how good I have it now?

I was told more than a few times when I was pregnant that a girl was a good thing. That I was meant to have her in my life. That I needed her in my life. True, true, true! I have never been so happy that we accidentally got pregnant after deciding to have an only child.