Being Thankful

I had a moment today where I just felt eternally grateful for having such healthy and happy children. I know so much is out of my hands as a parent but I just have such gratitude right now I just had to write it down.

Today Izzy went to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor heard a murmur that is probably nothing but she thought Izzy should have out-grown. To be safe, our doctor ordered some tests. I am not worried. I am pretty zen about this stuff in general - not alarmist at all. Izzy was scared but soon realized how simple the test was. The only "problem" with having healthy children is that they only see a doctor once a year for check-ups and doctors/hospitals are scary unknown entities.

She was a trooper though. She hopped on the bed and I held her hand. She would look at me and we'd squeeze each other's fingers as code. She looked so tiny on the bed. Unnatural. I hated seeing her on one, even though it was just for a simple test. It certainly made me stop and think about how lucky I am. My niece and nephew have had many medical issues and surgeries.

We watched her heart on the monitor and I had this surge of emotion jolt through my body. It took me back to those days I watched her on the ultrasound in my womb. There were many opportunities. I think I had 14 ultrasounds...excessive but there were some other issues at play. Back then I could just watch that perfect little body with that perfect beating heart forever. It was beautiful. Today was beautiful too but I felt more protective this time. Like I wished I could stop time and have her keep her perfect, healthy little body forever. I had this insatiable need to take her home and feed her leafy greens and carrots. I guess it hit me that she will grow and age and some day die. Man this sounds awful but I didn't feel this in a negative, morbid sort of way. It was more of a profound wish to have her grow up healthy and strong and live to see her great-grandbabies.

This might be because she is a girl. And because I just had my physical too. She was so obstinate at her check-up a few days ago that my internal voice was thinking 'suck it up buttercup - one of the joys of being a woman is being poked and prodded' and my mind keeps moving forward thinking about the foundations I set for her now and how they will affect the future. Having just finished up my reproductive stint it hit me that I can't protect my girl from the future. Not that I really want to. She will experience her period, pap smears, and hopefully if she chooses, motherhood. I can't do these things for her - keep the pain or fear away.

I am rambling now. It was just such a mixed bag of thoughts today.