Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It Is A Love/Hate Thing

You would think that when something happens to you each and every year you would come to expect it. Like in late Spring when all of a sudden I am battling a cold that drags on for weeks until my delightful husband steps in to say, 'It's your allergies...take a Claratin'. I feel like an idiot every single year. It really never occurs to me that the new grass and flowers are wreaking havoc with my sinuses.

Well, it is October and I *forgot* how dark it gets early in the evening and I *forgot* how much more tired I feel, and grumpy. I am one of those prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Those of us already lucky enough to have a mood disorder and live in parts of the hemisphere that have long, dark winters get the added bonus of feeling extra crappy with less light (or serotonin).

It is terrible. I am craving starchy foods I had gotten myself off of all summer. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I've been skipping the gym a lot. I just want to wrap myself up in my cozy knit blanket and cocoon on the couch all winter watching BBC or A&E period pieces.

There is another side at war with my SAD side. The part of me that loves Fall...the comfort of warm sweaters and cozy nights in; stews in the crockpot and home baked goods; and those fabulous holidays and special events to look forward to. I can see so much beauty in the dull clouds and monochromatic gray hues that colour the outdoors. The air feels so crisp and cool. Cheeks are rosy and there is a quickness to everyone's steps as they scurry about outside. I love the smell of fireplaces, even the hum of the furnace. I feel much more enchanted these days then I do even on those bright sunny days in summer. Such a dichotomy to love something that is so bad for me. I guess Fall is my guilty pleasure.

Normally I miss the early stages of SAD because I am too busy enjoying myself. I keep pretty busy September through Christmas. This year, however, I am a little more tired or, I suppose, burnt out from the emotional roller coaster that was September. It has left me more susceptible to this borderline, hypo-manic state.

I am not sure what the point of this post was. I guess since I am awake much later than I wish to be, playing around on the computer - revving up my brain instead of helping it wind down, I just needed to remind myself why things are going the way they are going these days.

I sometimes tell friends that I wonder what it would be like to feel "normal". Meaning, what would life be like without all these ups and downs. Most people reply that everyone has ups and downs. That there is no normal. Still, I think it would be cool to get into someone else's head space just to see.


Butterfly said...


I've been reading your blog for a few weeks, after following a friend's link, and am glad to hear of things settling with Izzy. Though I know there are challenges and ups and downs. I'm homeschooling in Australia, with Elijah 5 and Jasmine 4. I can relate to a lot of what you say ... thanks for the glimpse into your world. SAD is something I unofficially contend with too, along with thinking a lot. I have recently started a blog:

Cheers, Vanessa

M.J. said...

Thanks Vanessa. It is so nice to hear other people going through these things too.