Rob and I Talked

This has been an excruciating couple of weeks. I have had to cope with Izzy's deteriorating behaviour at home. She pees the bed 2 or 3 times each night. She has been unbelievably mean and lashing out. She is super clingy and we couldn't even leave her at activities she normally went to. She isn't sleeping. Her moods fluctuate between liking school and hating it, dreading it.

Then there are the drop-offs. So unpleasant that I feel tense just thinking about it. Watching her being pulled away, crying, is so opposite to not only my gut reaction but opposite to how I have parented all along. I've never pushed and allowed them to progress at their speed. The kids are confident and independent in spite of my "coddling" all these past years.

On top of it all, I do not feel like the school is helpful in transitioning the kids. I thought this was just me being over sensitive at first but after talking to parents with children at different schools, I am more unhappy with how this school or teacher handles things. If I had the money and the inclination, I think I would be looking into Montessori schools right now. At least that philosophy gels more with mine.

So I've spent the weekend listening to other people's opinions, rereading some of my why homeschooling rocks books, asking for help from some online parenting folks I've known since I was pregnant with Alex...heck, doing everything short of asking the universe for a sign on how to proceed.

Last night I broke down. I felt absolutely sick over this. It is so hard to push towards something that feels so wrong in your gut. Especially when you don't have to be doing it. In tears I told Rob what I was thinking and feeling. I asked him to hear me out...and that I would be completely honest with my thoughts...then asked him to tell me what to do. Which is funny, because he never tells me what to do. Something about "I trust your instincts...", etc.

I said that I didn't want to do this any more because I am a homeschooler through and through. I believe in the process. I am as committed to it as I am to being politically on the left and an atheist. No regrets or doubts in that department. 100% at peace there.

I said that, in this instance at this particular point in time, school feels so wrong. Not because she cries at drop-off, or because her behavior sucks (because I know it gets better for the majority of kids) but because I am less at ease with school itself. Sitting at tables until you are told otherwise. Raising your hand to go pee. All stuff required to reign in hundreds of children together in one building but sure as heck not essential to the emotional growth of my child. I am very concerned about the lack of proper academic stimulation for her abilities. Isn't the whole point of school to learn? All she is learning is how to be a good student, in a bricks and mortar school environment.

I said that Tuesday I saw a bunch of homeschool kids get back together in art class after being away all summer. They ran into the room, excited, hugging each other, laughing and having fun. At the time it felt like a large, boisterous group but I remembered that this crowd was quite a bit smaller than her kindergarten class, at least by about 5 or 6 kids. The art teacher mentors them, taking suggestions, not teaching at them. They were relaxed and free to communicate with each other. I know that these kids mostly know each other already. I know a good number of them are older than 3 or 4 years old. But, parents are welcome. We help those who need it and step back when they are ready to move forward on their own. It was such a stark contrast to what I am seeing at school.

I said that people around me and at school (obviously) want to give this time for her to settle in...that what I am seeing is for the good of all the kids. Well, no offense to any one out there but my only concern is my kids and what they are getting from this. Plus all these issues are not going to fade away because she isn't crying at the door. I will still be unhappy. I feel like if I could have a do-over, I would have told her school was not an option yet.

I said that I don't know what is wrong with me. That I have no idea how I became such a radical non-conformist but that it is there now and I don't think I can pretend to like or agree to this system. That this goes beyond giving it the old college try. That she is too young.

There have been a few positives but not enough to make me stay the course. I like getting up early...who knew? I do like having more structure to our day. These things I can do on my own though.

Rob wanted to know whether or not we had valid concerns, other than separation anxiety, before we pulled her out. He is a fan of homeschooling and has faith in that process too. As an academic minded person, himself, I know he has issues with educational standards and the curriculum too.

I am a very intuitive person. I trust my instincts and work from there. It has been very hard second guessing myself, listening to multiple opinions and worrying that my intentions are honorable, so to speak. In my heart and in my actions I believe I approached this with as much enthusiasm as possible. I convinced myself, and now I see wrongly convinced others, that I had specific reasons for homeschooling Alex (which I did at the time) that didn't necessarily apply to Izzy. But why we continue has nothing to do with his intellect or attention issues. We homeschool because we are homeschoolers. Period.

So, after pouring my heart out and feeling terrible about this even being such an ordeal, we agreed that school is not for us. That it will be quite a few more years before we agree to sending her but it will be at a time when she is more mature and able to see school for what it is and get from it what she needs.

I can't send her back Monday. I feel like I might be letting some people down but I just can't do it. This is a moral, philosophical and lifestyle choice for us. My heart, my mind, my gut and my husband all agree, I can do this at home - better.

I still have a residual tummy ache but overall my piece of mind is slowly being restored.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive these past few weeks. I can't say how much I needed it and appreciate it.

Not sure what to say at this point.

Partly because we have not decided what to do. Everyone was surprised by Izzy's reaction to attending school on Friday. I have never experienced a scenario where my crying child had to be forced into a room. She wouldn't go in on her own and the teacher had to carry her in from the school yard.

It was shocking to me, Rob and other friends and family members who know her so well. This is not a shy, introverted kid.

Here is my problem. Half the time, she wants to continue going to school. So far, she seems to enjoy the last half of her day there. I also know that she is having difficulty transitioning for many reasons. It is new and there are 19 other 3 and 4 year old kids. She is used to being one of the youngest in groups and classes. There are many, many more rules. She is on a stricter, earlier schedule than she is used to. She knows that Alex and mommy are still homeschooling, seeing our homeschooling friends and going to homeschool activities. I know that this is just the beginning and they haven't gotten to the meatier learning parts of school. She is still making friends. And getting used to doing this on her own when everything else in her life, to date, has been an inclusive family affair.

Because she was so insistent about going to school, we relented. Got excited even. She is such a stark contrast to her brother and I felt so sure she would do well that I put aside the other issues I have with school in general and, more particularly, sending 3 year old children off to an extra year of kindergarten. Me, the one who ranted about abolishing JK because it was just a form of subsidized daycare sent my kid off because I thought the she (1) was ready and able to be away from us for a few hours a day, (2) because I figured it was a harmless form of socialization, and (3) she is the kind of kid who needs to experience things first hand.

She is obstinate and headstrong. Two traits that have grown exponentially over the last few weeks. And she is being mean. I can't separate her attitude from what she is picking up on the playground from her tendency to lash out while under stress. I have to ask, though, are the kids who are the most determined in even greater need of a more relaxed environment?

This was a mistake.

Today was the worst drop off yet. I want her home. I was so sure it wouldn't be like this. Everyone says give it time. Of course, this assumes that I really wanted her or needed her to be there to begin with.

It is not as black and white as people think. If it was only about adjusting and breaking her in I would probably feel different.

This has been, without a doubt, the worst parenting week of my life.