Between a Rock and a Hard Place

An update about Izzy.

Well, we picked up Izzy after school yesterday and she wasn't crying but she wasn't exactly enthusiastic. In fact, she was pretty grumpy on the walk home.

Today is another day off.

Nothing has been solved or settled. She vacillates between saying she will go back (in a more resigned tone, not at all animated) and saying she is home for good to homeschool. In all my life, I've never felt so unsure about how to move forward.

Has she had enough time to deal with her fears and get into a groove? Is it still nerves or is it the setting, with many rules and multiple children with variable needs that stresses her out? Am I giving up if I yank her out now? What message would either scenario send to her?

Tentatively, I made a suggestion to Rob that we send her Friday, the first day with all 20 kids in class. A few of whom are friends that she has not had a chance to see in class yet. Then we have her go (funny, I want to use the word force...which it may come down to) every day next week. If next Friday is still a bust, we bring her home.

It seems reasonable to my mind but the rest of me is reeling. It has been suggested that we wait a full month before we get a real idea about whether or not she will adjust. I am pretty darn sure that my sensibilities could not take a month of this.

I can hear both sides of the argument in my mind. Keep sending her. She will get over her fears and learn to love it. Keep her home. What is the point in trying to break her in when we really don't want (or need) her there to begin with. Would it be giving up or just chalking it up to a life lesson and proceed on at home as we want?

I also have the voice of the teacher and the school in my head but have to be honest, their concerns do not reflect my priorities for my family.

So, I am confused and not sure were all this is heading. I would kill for a magic ball right now.

On a Brighter Note this Morning

Alex and I are having a good start to the day. We got back, made some hot chocolate (because it was quite chilly this morning) and sat down to some math. Right now he is doing his writing assignment, a list of 10 questions about himself. He is giggling like crazy in there, laughing because all of his answers are either "Star Wars" or "A Secret".

My favourite book is: Star Wars.
My favourite subject is: a secret.
My favourite sport is: a secret.
My favourite movie is: Star Wars.

Funny kid. Anything to make life easier.

Scared Straight

(Alternate titles for this post considered earlier were JK, Day 2 and Stinking Awful)

Poor Alex, nothing he saw this morning quenched his doubts about bricks and mortar schools. Not that that is a bad thing to me. He wanted to know (1) why it was so early; (2) why they had to stand in lines all the time; (3) what was with the separation of children in different areas; and (4) why on earth would you make the kids stay if they were crying? That last one killed me.

So Izzy woke up this morning begging to homeschool. It was horrible. I knew this staggered entrance thing was crap. Five days since she had been at the school. More than enough time to get herself all worked up again. At one point, I had to leave Rob to talk with her while I went to cry in the shower. Awful. It came down to trying it one more time, today, and then readdressing the idea of homeschooling tonight with daddy.

She finally relaxed a bit at breakfast. We were all up at 6am, to give ourselves a leisurely morning rather than have to rush her out the door. Alex practiced piano while we goofed off in the kitchen and she helped pack her snack. We even had fun on the walk there. Then it was awful all over again.

There was a little boy in the school yard sobbing and screaming while he clung to his mom. Izzy stiffened up and refused to talk. We tried to distract her as much as possible. She did go into the Kindergarten play yard without any problem. She wanted us to stay and watch her- which we did. Then the bell rang. She got into line and started to cry...holding out one arm to me. Awful, awful, awful.

So there are almost 2 hours left before I can go and reclaim her. I am trying to will the clock to move faster.

There are so many issues at play for me here. All conflicting with each other. On one hand, even with the bumpy start, she loved school last week. On the other hand, yesterday was a banner day as a homeschooler - lots of learning, reconnecting with other hs friends and excitement about new projects on the horizon. I felt horrible at the thought of Izzy missing some of it. Yet, Mrs. F-T commented that it was so nice to see Izzy light up with excitement with each new activity. She made a new friend. She thrives on routines. Still, all my reservations about school are coming through at full force. She has a pretty rough class this year. Meaning, there are more than a few kids with behavioral issues. So...here she is...in school for socialization...with kids I wouldn't necessarily pick for her to socialize with (not all of them, certainly)...with kids who are still learning the alphabet and how to cut with scissors...and I have to wonder, why are we doing this?

Do I want her to have a good day or bad today? I'd say I am split 50-50 on that right now.

This is much harder than I thought it would be.